1. I wish I was like Haruki Murakami. He runs a marathon every year. And writes really long, brilliant books.
2. I'm not Haruki Murakami, I'm me. I write little snippets of things every once in a while. And I run in short outbursts.
3. Why am I doing this again?????
4. I hate running.
5. I don't hate running, I hate myself.
6. I don't hate myself, I hate this moment.
7. Glad I unpacked that.
8. 1 mile down, only 12 to go!
9. Goddamit.
10. Oh my god I have so much money left to raise for this training. Eep!
Last Saturday, I hit an all-time low in my 1/2 marathon training experience. I got to Eysian Park 15 minutes late and barely made it to start with my pace group. Then I got some cramps and realized my monthly thing was starting and I didn't have any lady materials with me. Then I fell behind my pace group. Then I fell behind the pace group behind me. Then I hit mile three and just started walking, furious with the fact that I was walking and bleeding everywhere and cramping and that I still had 3 miles to go. Then I went the wrong way. By the time I finished, I had in fact only gone 5 miles, not 6, was on the verge of tears, and just a mess.
It is a much more romantic thing to run on behalf of something or someone greater than you and your small miseries. Or run victoriously, at just the right pace, improving as you go. Or even to run with grief/sadness, suffering nobly. It's quite another to run with irritation, frustration, trying to will your bedraggled @$$ to go another mile, take another step.
Up until last Saturday, I was pretty sure that all the running I was doing was the root cause of my rapidly improving life. Since I started, I have re-connected with a lot of my creativity. I have shaken some of my fear of asking people for money, and have raised over $1300 already for AIDS Project Los Angeles. I have felt a lot of my feelings again-- grief and joy most predominant, general well-being cutting through underneath. I got the best haircut of my life. Notably, I also bucked up, quit my job respectfully and found another one within a week. I went to New Orleans for a few days. I now have a few full weeks of absolute freedom before the new one begins. And it has only been about a month since I started running.
I credited (and I still do) many of these changes to the physical movement that running entails. I have a theory, based on nothing but self-observation, that big internal shifts must coincide with movement. Like a child twisting in the birth canal to be born out of a narrow pelvis, my own mind requires movement in order to break through some of the walls I have built up around it.
So hitting a wall last Saturday was not something I anticipated, and it threw me. My body was not interested in running. It was interested only in a hot water bottle and a few episodes of Star Trek. My mind was DEFINITELY not interested in running. Which may account for why I hit the wall so hard. And then followed a few days of feeling sorry for myself and the unfairness of it all. Mind and body had ganged up against me and all I wanted to do was run a goddam 1/2 marathon.
I went on my first run today since Saturday. I woke up at 7 but didn't get out of the door until 9, when it was already really hot. Impatiently, I did a few stretches, impatiently, I started running, trying to get it over with. Somewhere after the first mile, I saw an older woman running and walking, running and walking just like me. I had noticed her when I got there, but I only really "saw" her after the first mile. I think to see someone, I had to shake off some of the self-centered, self-pitying vibes that were clinging to me all week. I noticed that she was running in a sweatshirt, which was insane given the heat. I started running beside her while she walked and we had an easy conversation about why we were running, what her children were doing, her health concerns, our mutual concerns about the state of public education, and what we were trying to do with our lives. Then she left the park and I did as well soon after. Driving home, I realized that after I began running with her, my pace had clicked-- I was going just the right speed again. I did a mile without even realizing it, just running and talking with her.
It is a little counter-intuitive for me, but I think that a big way to get through my walls, my fears, anger and inhibitions, is to pay attention to others, to move with them and not against myself.
Stay tuned! Day 2 of 10 of this Fearless Writing Series coming up tomorrow!
And if you haven't yet donated to AIDS Project Los Angeles, please do so here!!!
http://apla.convio.net/goto/surya
2. I'm not Haruki Murakami, I'm me. I write little snippets of things every once in a while. And I run in short outbursts.
3. Why am I doing this again?????
4. I hate running.
5. I don't hate running, I hate myself.
6. I don't hate myself, I hate this moment.
7. Glad I unpacked that.
8. 1 mile down, only 12 to go!
9. Goddamit.
10. Oh my god I have so much money left to raise for this training. Eep!
Last Saturday, I hit an all-time low in my 1/2 marathon training experience. I got to Eysian Park 15 minutes late and barely made it to start with my pace group. Then I got some cramps and realized my monthly thing was starting and I didn't have any lady materials with me. Then I fell behind my pace group. Then I fell behind the pace group behind me. Then I hit mile three and just started walking, furious with the fact that I was walking and bleeding everywhere and cramping and that I still had 3 miles to go. Then I went the wrong way. By the time I finished, I had in fact only gone 5 miles, not 6, was on the verge of tears, and just a mess.
It is a much more romantic thing to run on behalf of something or someone greater than you and your small miseries. Or run victoriously, at just the right pace, improving as you go. Or even to run with grief/sadness, suffering nobly. It's quite another to run with irritation, frustration, trying to will your bedraggled @$$ to go another mile, take another step.
Up until last Saturday, I was pretty sure that all the running I was doing was the root cause of my rapidly improving life. Since I started, I have re-connected with a lot of my creativity. I have shaken some of my fear of asking people for money, and have raised over $1300 already for AIDS Project Los Angeles. I have felt a lot of my feelings again-- grief and joy most predominant, general well-being cutting through underneath. I got the best haircut of my life. Notably, I also bucked up, quit my job respectfully and found another one within a week. I went to New Orleans for a few days. I now have a few full weeks of absolute freedom before the new one begins. And it has only been about a month since I started running.
I credited (and I still do) many of these changes to the physical movement that running entails. I have a theory, based on nothing but self-observation, that big internal shifts must coincide with movement. Like a child twisting in the birth canal to be born out of a narrow pelvis, my own mind requires movement in order to break through some of the walls I have built up around it.
So hitting a wall last Saturday was not something I anticipated, and it threw me. My body was not interested in running. It was interested only in a hot water bottle and a few episodes of Star Trek. My mind was DEFINITELY not interested in running. Which may account for why I hit the wall so hard. And then followed a few days of feeling sorry for myself and the unfairness of it all. Mind and body had ganged up against me and all I wanted to do was run a goddam 1/2 marathon.
I went on my first run today since Saturday. I woke up at 7 but didn't get out of the door until 9, when it was already really hot. Impatiently, I did a few stretches, impatiently, I started running, trying to get it over with. Somewhere after the first mile, I saw an older woman running and walking, running and walking just like me. I had noticed her when I got there, but I only really "saw" her after the first mile. I think to see someone, I had to shake off some of the self-centered, self-pitying vibes that were clinging to me all week. I noticed that she was running in a sweatshirt, which was insane given the heat. I started running beside her while she walked and we had an easy conversation about why we were running, what her children were doing, her health concerns, our mutual concerns about the state of public education, and what we were trying to do with our lives. Then she left the park and I did as well soon after. Driving home, I realized that after I began running with her, my pace had clicked-- I was going just the right speed again. I did a mile without even realizing it, just running and talking with her.
It is a little counter-intuitive for me, but I think that a big way to get through my walls, my fears, anger and inhibitions, is to pay attention to others, to move with them and not against myself.
Stay tuned! Day 2 of 10 of this Fearless Writing Series coming up tomorrow!
And if you haven't yet donated to AIDS Project Los Angeles, please do so here!!!
http://apla.convio.net/goto/surya
No comments:
Post a Comment